My brother, such a hero
by magicalBro
Summary: Dirk must take care of baby Dave and teen Roxy, while his handsome neighbor misses to blow up the whole building... Beta-corrected version ! / DirkJake, humour & fluff
1. Chapter 1

**Disclamer : Andrew Hussie**

**Ships : DirkJake, maybe other later**

**For the funny autor notes, it's bellow the chapter ;D**

**This is the first time I translate one of my fanfics in English, so if you see some mistakes (like the stairs, nobody did warn me about them...) don't hesitate to tell me !**

**Beta-corrected by Tiresias Pyrope ;D **

* * *

**My brother, such a hero**

**Chapter 1**

Stretched out in an indescribable mess of blankets and smuppets, the young man dreamed peacefully. He was floating in a kind of bluish, slightly gelatinous, and very sticky liquid. Farther, a beautiful adventurer seemed to be drowning himself. He was wearing only an extremely tightened pair of shorts and a holster, emphasizing an athlete's body and noticeably plump butt. Proud knight on his white pony, Dirk saved the Adonis covered with blue honey. Reddening, this one bent to kiss him and...

A long, gluey, and perfectly elastic dribble of saliva spread out on his cheek. A small plump hand slapped him while giggling then put its diaper in his face, just to make him understand the urgency of the situation.

"The hell, Dave!

- Hey. Bro. Poop.

- Thanks, I think I had noticed."

Another beautiful day began at the Strider's.

One diaper after, Dirk realized his brother's days began around five in the morning in total discord with his own, beginning only at two in the afternoon. The infant then began to scream a long monosyllabic shout, so the neighborhood could enjoy his beautiful and sensual voice. Then he stopped, satisfied to have drilled the left eardrum of his personal carrier, and fell asleep immediately. At the wet task of saliva on his shoulder, the young man felt that his brother had fallen asleep for good.

"You're not a jerk, aren't you? he mumbled, but not too loud to avoid awaking him.

To not have to do it later, he then prepared a feeding-bottle of warm milk, before turning back to his bed. Sleepy enough to not care about it, he took Dave with him.

* * *

The girl succeeded finally in finding the lock, what was dashed difficult when this one did not stop being divided into halves in front of her eyes. The flat of her brother was in an unspeakable mess, as usual, so she was not shocked to see that nothing has changed. She was however surprised not finding him completely wild, a bowl of cereal full of milk and a glass full of cereal in the hand, roaming between the lounge and the kitchen with Dave hung on his back. However, it was eleven o'clock, maybe he was not woken yet.

While entering Dirk's room she found him. Being a bachelor for many years now, a delicate smell of rancid sock floated in the air and spread out on the ground, a collection of beers and cuddly toys. Grimacing at the boxer shorts abandoned cowardly and at the handkerchiefs about which sheshe did not want to know what was inside, Roxy pushed her brother off of the bed with her foot since it was out of the question to touch him in his obvious absence of a recent shower. He crashed face into ground and, imperturbable, continued to snore. Dave, not at all disturbed, sat down on his head while giving a smile to his elder sister. While being a little shit with Dirk, she was clearly his favorite.

"Heeey Daveey! Happy to s... see* Roxy?

- "Xyyyy!"

- "Yeah, ol'Xyyyy for ya!"

- "Remember me who's turning one soon, between the two of you?" Muttered Dirk, waken by their loud conversation.

- "You know your falt... flat*'s reeaaaally a mess?"

- "You know you're the biggest drunkard I've ever known?"

Having taken the toddler twittering in her arms and sticking her tongue out at her elder brother, Roxy went away to prepare something remotely resembling breakfast. Appalled, she found only some apple juice, some milk, some beer and some pizzas frozen in his refrigerator. Her choice fell on cereals. Which had fairly past their use-by date, of course. She thus decided to go shopping, using the money of her millionaire brother, this one being too much occupied with searching clothes less dirty than others. Dave, comfortably installed against her breast in the baby sling, let himself fall into an additional short nap.

Certainly, the old men would give her a funny look because a sixteen-year-old girl should not be a mother before having her high school diploma, and mutter unfriendly comments on the depraved youth nowadays. She would not rebel there, because Dave was not her son anyway. Dirk and she often played along to frighten her professors, but the joke never lasted for a very long time. After all, had she had shorter hair and sunglasses, it would have been almost impossible to differentiate them...

Dirk, being an adult, their absent parents had entrusted him the guarding of Dave without caring in the least bit about what his feeling on the matter. Certainly, his diverse talents in computing and in robotics insured him regular income for almost non-existent work. However, he would have very much liked having other aspects of his life than to raise a child while being 18. But, once again, had he even the choice ?

Heavy bags under arms, the teenager remembered suddenly that the elevator was out of service. And that the moron who happened to be her big brother liked high places. A long sigh of resignation escaped from her lips, and she began to go up staircases when a voice rose behind her:

"May I help you, miss?"

The voice belonged to a twenty-something man, and she would be lying if she said he wasn't a cutie.

"I... hum. My brother lives on the tenth floor"... she stammered.

- "No problem, me too", he smiled while taking her bags. Your brother must be such a lazy person to let you carry all of this, with your son in more!

- "Dave is my younger brother!" Protested Roxy, beginning climb up the stairs. "It is Dirk who takes care of him all the time, I owe him that..."

- "I have just moved, I still know nobody", the young man replied, a tone of apology in his voice. "My name is Jake, by the way."

- "I'm Roxy. I don't think you could've met him, he never goes out of his flat."

* * *

They conversed a little of everything and nothing, struggling up the endless stairs. Their breath becoming scarce, they kept silent by climbing up the last floors. Arriving at the front door, Roxy hesitated on proper etiquette: did she have to invite the neighbor of his brother to enter, to suggest him drinking, or to thank him and lock herself in the apartment?

She opted, finally, for the first option, which Jake accepted by smiling. Even there, ensure if she should offer him a beer so early the morning, or simply an apple juice. If it were up to her, she would have taken out ingredients for a vodka-martini, but she did not technically meet the age requirements. Technically.

Dirk spared her, finally, by deciding to show up in his boxer shorts in the kitchen-lounge. Still not enough woken up to wear decent clothes, but alert enough to put his ridiculous shades on. Unbelievable.

This is when he noticed Jake's presence, profoundly shocked and blushing like hell. The two men both fled away, each on their own sides, Dirk behind the door and his neighbor suddenly remembering he has to feed his goldfish. If her attention had not been monopolized by Jake's attractively tanned skin and defined muscles, the teenager would gladly have burst into laughter. So did she a few moments after.

"Dierk... Dirk*, you're such a shame somethimes... sometimes*", she giggled, opening up a beer to celebrate.

- "Shut up. And give me this, you're not 21 yet."

- "Neither are you, responded her, taking back her bottle. But, say, he's hot, inst'... isn't* he?"

- "Who?"

- "The ddue... dude* you just frightened to death. Who, by the way, happens to be your neighbor.

-"...I'll never go out again."

- "Is something the matter, brooo?"

- "Give me Dave back, I don't want your drunken aura to contaminate him."

After lunch, Roxy left to visit each bar in town with her friends. Well, officially, it was 'shopping'. Dirk spent the rest of the day playing with Dave, attempting to teach him the way of the shonen warrior. So they spent the rest of the afternoon, having no clue it would be one of the last moments of rest before a storm.

* * *

A few Goldorak episodes made Dave sleep and, after, Dirk decided to have a little time for himself, and watched 18-rated mangas. The gory ones, not the sexy ones, which he would not watch until he was absolutely sure that he was alone. Which was not the case here, Dave being a very light sleeper.

Rapidly, his thoughts concerning the man whom Roxy brought into his home while he was scantily dressed. To tell the truth, he had not really had time to see him, but he had heard his voice. Slightly too low pitched to be the one of a teenager, he thus had to be his age, or a few years younger. He had believed to hear Roxy to call him Jake, or Jack maybe. This made him think that it would necessary to tidy up its apartment one day, if to he wanted to receive people regularly. Especially when Dave would be old enough to actually make some friends.

The doorbell pulled him of his thoughts. Had Roxy forgotten something? Just in case, he went to the door.

Oh. The neighbor.

Dirk thought that he really looked so pitiful, soaked to the skin and in pajamas. His expression was worth seeing: the quivering lower lip, the glasses of fault, the eyebrows forming a perfect circumflex accent, the hair stuck on his forehead and the hands tightened on his chest. Definitively the sad puppy face. Hilarious.

"Sorry to disturb you at this hour!" He exclaimed suddenly, shaking his head. "Could I use your telephone? There is a leak at my home and the electricity is out..."

- "If it's the plumbing I can take care of it," proposed Dirk, repressing a giggle.

- "You know how to fix that?"

Jake's face lit up, and the young man turned around, grinning from ear to ear, and then fetched his tools. Robots required an impressive amount of cooling circuits, so he had made himself a plumber many times before. However, he was forced to recognize that his neighbor had made a mess in his domain.

"Why is the sink on the floor?

- "Long story, dude."

- "I'll cut the water. Is the electricity out of service?"

- "Well..."

- "No, the electric board too?!"

Then he found himself wading through ten centimeters of water while Jake lighted him with a dynamo-lamp, adding challenge to the operation. Finding it difficult to repair anything, Dave began to cry and the neighbor from below came to complain about the inundation. The situation finally calmed around midnight. The baby had fallen asleep in Jake's arms, letting his big brother finish the last adjustments.

"I'm done, that should hold by now, whispered Dirk by getting up. Does it bothers you to hold Dave for just a little longer? I am too dirty to hold him myself."

- Not at all. Thank you again, I do not know what I would have made without you!"

- "Prince Strider to your rescue, milady," chuckled the other one while yawning.

- "Aha, very funny."

- "Do you want to sleep at my place tonight? You've got water everywhere."

- "If doesn't bother you..."

- "No, not at all. My flat's just one hell of a mess, but we can make you a few room. However, Dave always wakes in the middle of the night. If it's the case, just let him scream a little, he quickly calms down after."

- "Works for me."

* * *

Dirk would have gladly offered his bed to Jake, but in view of the state of the aforementioned bed, he preferred to unfold the sofa for his neighbor. Fortunately, he had time to clean crumbs away while his neighbor took a well-deserved shower. The clothes which Dirk had lent him were a little too big for him, but he did not complain about it. Once Dave was sleeping for good, they still talked for a little while, sipping beers, and later, Dirk almost falling asleep, they parted. This is when, more by reflex than anything, he put a hand on Jake's neck to pull the other man toward himself and kissed him on the forehead. Then he realized what he had done.

"I. Hmm, sorry, this is the way I wish good night to Roxy and Dave..."

- "Don't worry," said Jake, shaking hands in front of him in a funny way, slightly pinked cheeks. "My Granma also used to do it."

- "Your grandma?"

- "My parents died not long after I was born, so she took care of me. She's now in a retirement home," he added, seeing Dirk searching some polite words to say.

- You're lucky. Mine are... Roxy might know, but the hell of I do. My grandparents lives in Sweden, I've never saw them in person. Well, I am going to bed now, good night."

- "Good night."

* * *

Yay, funny autor notes \o/

I believe that, in my whole life, I've never written such a long chapter. I'm shocking myself.

So, like I said before, it's my first time writing in English. Because I'm a lazy person, I used a translator, but it made so many mistakes that I had to re-write entire paragraphs instead of enjoying a good cup of tea. Can you believe it ? xD

First, I wanted it to be funny stories with baby!Dave refusing food untill Dirk makes the ninja-spoon-plane with a smuppet, but then. DirkJake. Fluffiness is my weakness I must admit xD Don't expect a sadstuck, because I hate sadness. Which doesn't mean I will not put some obstacles to their relationship, by the way 8D Like, some Jane might eventually in the most enventual future make an appearance. However, spoilers 8D

See you next chapter, chums \ / (= awesome Dirk shades)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclamer** : Andrew Hussie

**Pairing :** DirkJake, JohnKat, MeFluff (my new OTP)

Corrected by Tiresias Pyrope, may the AOL be with you bro xD

The funny autor notes are bellow, as always ;D

* * *

**Chapter 2**

When I woke up that morning, I wasn't in my bed.

I was under a mountain of blankets, in the middle of an untidy living room. It took me few seconds to remember where I was, and what happened. Dirk, if I am right, helped me to fix the sink yesterday, and I ended on his couch for the night. Slowly, I left the warm embrace of the blankets and began to wander in the flat. I wasn't home after all, I couldn't just have a breakfast as if I was, it would be extremely rude. Suddenly, I heard a baby laugh hard not far from me.

I found Dirk holding his brother against his face, screaming 'ninja battle' and 'no, you won't defeat me!' while laughing himself. They rolled on the floor, Dirk starting to tickle Dave with his 'shaolin technique of Stormy Tickle!', then breathed against his belly, which made him giggle harder if that's possible. I couldn't help but to find it extremely cute. My sister and I were pretty close when we were children, but never that close. Rested against the frame of the door, I felt a smile crossing my lips as I watched them, waiting to be noticed.

I should've run, if I knew that Dirk would catch me in their battle when he saw me. We fought a little, then I surrendered to Dave, who was a formidable opponent. His brother, sitting on my belly, took us in a great hug. It was nice, even if my cheeks were bright red... It's not like I believed in reincarnation, but I feel as if he was my brother or something like that. Could we call it friendship at first sight? This is stupid, yet I don't want to go back to my apartment now...

I was able to feel his breath on my collarbone. It was an unusual, nice, but slightly awkward sensation since we were two men. I mean, I pretty much lived on a desert island until now, but I am pretty sure that men don't hug on the floor like this.

- "Hum... Dirk?"

No answer. I tried to push him a little, even to tickle him, but nothing. I began to panic. What was happening? Was he unconscious? Was it a stupid joke? I guess Dave understood that something was wrong, because he began to cry at his bro. I put him in his bed, then lift Dirk to his own. He must've caught a cold the day before: his forehead was burning. Now I can't help but to feel responsible, if I hadn't broken my sink, he would've never spent the night all soaked and would've never catch a disease. Suddenly, a husky voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

- "Dude... Jake.

- "Holly sink! Are you alright?

- "...Seriously man? Batman and Robin?

- "It was a great film!"

- "No it wasn't, replied Dirk by coughing. Can you check my phone for 'Dr Douche'? He's a friend of the family, he'll heal me.

- "Okay, if you say so..."

So I called that mysterious doctor. A tough voice answered rudely, asking me what the fuck did I wanted to him, cursing at the Strider family for almost ten minutes.

- "Listen, Dr. Douche..."

- "Dr. what?!

- "Well, Dirk never told me your name, so I assumed..."

- "You assumed?! Fuck yourself too, you fucking bastard! I bet that idiot find a way to become ill, and he asked you to ask me if I could save him? Does the guy know that I'm no more a doctor than he's an engineer in robotics? Just because he loaned me money to pay my studies doesn't mean I have to take care of his ass each time he has hemorrhoids! I'll be there at twelve, be sure that his flat is tidy or I'll go back to my sweet home that I should've never left immediately!"

Then he hung up, leaving me no time to speak. Dirk was half giggling, half coughing, apparently very proud of his prank. My own phone rang just after that, remembering that I had forgot something very important today...

- "English, where are you?!"

- "Stop calling me English, Egbert. Go to the tenth floor and ring to the 413th, I'm in my neighbor's flat."

- "You don't waste time, aren't you tiger?"

- "Shut up, there's nothing like that! I answered, feeling my cheeks reddening. "I had a flood in my apartment yesterday so he helped me for the night."

- "Sure, I'll believe you. Wait for me, hot stuff, I trust your tastes when it comes to pretty girls."

- "John, I said 'he' helped me."

- "No homo, Jake."

My darling cousin, as funny as ever. I explained the situation to Dirk, who sighed very deeply, then fell unconscious. Again. Maybe a true love kiss would wake him up for good? Just kidding, I won't kiss him in his sleep, that would just make me some kind of creepy pervert. I don't want to catch his illness. And I don't want to keep blushing like that, what's wrong with me?!

Taking Dave in my arms since he began to weep a little, I opened the door to John, whose eyes widened when he saw me.

- "Whoa, dude, I thought you were kidding me! Why didn't you tell me sooner about the baby? And how did you even have it, you're both guys!"

I hit him.

- "This is Dirk's brother, you moron."

- "Are you guys planning to wed some day? Because I would totally like to be your best man!"

- "Shut it, John, I told you there's nothing like that between us. I met him yesterday!"

* * *

We talked a lot when we were cleaning the lounge. John had dumped his last girlfriend because she was cheating on him, his studies were boring and he still hesitated to quit so he can open a prank-shop, Grandma gave him cookies the other day, and he missed his dog. I like John, I really do! But he talks too much. Speaking of the lounge, even I, who's far from being a perfect homemaker, made it so it wasn't that messy. We hadn't had the time to clean half of it when the doorbell rang.

What a strange fellow, that Dr. Vantas. Big, bright, brown eyes which looked like melted gold in the morning light. Black curled hair that I immediately wanted to pet so much; it seemed so soft. Tanned skin and pointy teeth.

He began to curse at us, at the Striders, at his job, at his life, and then suddenly stopped. He looked at John, John looked at him. He took a step and... got drenched because of the bucket of filthy water. The spell was broken, he followed his cursing where he was like nothing happened. Just before I followed him in Dirk's room, I saw John rubbing his cheeks as if the reddening would be gone like that. Who's gay now?

After fixing Dirk up, Mr. Vantas cooked us food while John kept cleaning the flat. After all, there will be three to sleep in the lounge tonight. Sitting on Dirk's bed, he told me that it did not bother him since we didn't broke anything or strife all the night. After all the effort we put into cleaning everything, he couldn't possibly refuse such an offer.

- "But you're gonna sleep with me tonight."

- "Excuse me?!"

- "Well, there's room for two on the couch, and Karkat has no flight until Tuesday. Unless you want to sleep on the floor."

- "Oh. I thought you were asking me to... nevermind."

- "Are you serious?" he laughed. I didn't know that you fancied me."

- "Shut up Strider!"

He laughed at me, followed by Dave who understood nothing but thought he had to do like his brother. I took the baby on my knees and tickled him, so he had a reason to giggle.

- "And may I know what is your incurable disease?"

- "Tuberculosis, according to Karkat. I think I just caught a cold."

- "Do you want a hot milk with honey? I can ask John to bring you one."

- "You're the perfect wife, dude. Do you want to marry me?"

- "Fuck off."

- "No cursing in front of the child, sweetheart."

- "I'll divorce and take all your money. And your collection of My Little Pony artworks."

- "Don't break my heart, I'm sick remember?" he said by grabbing my shirt and pulling me in his embrace."

- "What are you doing?!"

- "Hugging you. You're so warm Jake... Be my teddy bear."

- "Okay, the fever makes you say nonsense, I'm leaving."

- "If you stay, I'll show you my..."

- "I don't want to see it!"

- "My eyes, dumbass."

We stared at each other. I was indeed very curious of what was hiding behind his shades. Since he didn't take them off in the night, I assumed he was blind or something, but then I heard him reading ninja stories to Dave. Speaking of him, he suddenly felt like he wasn't the center of the attention and began to hit my knee with a book. His brother grounded him, but the kid ignored him and launched a smuppet at my face.

- "Bro is miiiiiiiine!"

- "Davey, you're my best buddy, aren't you?"

- "No!"

- "That was mean, lil bro", Dirk intervened. "Look, he's going to cry now." (he whispered) "Cry!"

I imitated sobbing noises by rubbing my eyes. Dave immediately felt bad then touched my hand and began to cry himself. I took him in my arms and reassured him. Dirk hugged the both of us and told his brother to apologize.

- "Sorry."

- "Are we friends now?"

- "... yes."

Then Dave did the cutest thing I've ever seen: he grabbed my neck with his tiny hands and kissed me on the cheek. I felt so good at that moment... hugged, loved, warmed. I realized it was what Iwas missing until now: a true family. Grandma and John were my closest relatives, but as far as I remember, nobody hugged me since I was 5. So I hugged them back.

- "I don't want to interrupt anything -and for god's sake you could at least do this while Dave is asleep- but the expensive pizzas I ordered with you credit card has arrived", Karkat said. "And your cousin has been hogging the bathroom for half an hour, get him the fuck out of here, I need to pee."

* * *

Reluctantly, I left the sweet embrace to see what John was doing. I said hi to Roxy who went to spend the night here too with her cat, then knocked at the door. I, of course, knew what he was doing. I mean, since I'm the elder I had that kind of problems long before him.

- "Are you okay in there? Do you need me to tell you disgusting things?"

- "Fuck off Jake! answered a husky voice."

- "I must admit he's hot. But if you don't get rid of that boner there will be no pizza left for you!"

- "Can't you just leave?! The more you say, the more it comes back!"

- "That's my sexy voice, even you can't resist."

I left him and joined Roxy and Karkat on the lounge carpet. I hardly recognized the place as it was now clean and bright. Dirk joined us with Dave on his baby-chair, followed not long after by a bright red John. I thought it was going to be a quiet evening when my new friends began to argue about the film they wanted to watch.

* * *

Funny autor notes time ;D

Almost 4000 word in a few days, in English, between the tons of tests I have to do, I must say that I am very proud of myself xD

Since nobody commented last time, I am still wondering if you find what I write interesting...? I mean, there are almost 100 views but no one commented, is it that bad? Or maybe people are more interested in sadstuck, then I understand. But hey, smile, life is not sad bro xD Even if you think you have nothing to say, say it! I love tchatting with people x)

The 3rd chapter, maybe the 4th and 5th will be published around November 10th, or even later since I am officially on vacations :D

As far as my usual French readers are concerned : vous inquiétez pas les gars, j'écris en anglais sur ce fandom juste parce que le fandom français est encore trop faible x) Mais nous vaincrons l'anglois, et le bouterons hors de nos terres xDDD Au pire si ça marche pas, on suit la tradition nationale : on se syndicalise et après on se met en grève xD (n'est-ce pas MikageKun ? ;D)

Pour l'instant la version française est en hiatus parce que j'ai écrit ce chapitre directement en anglais, mais si vous êtes nombreux à me le demander une traduction arrivera x)

See you in the next chapter!


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